Coping with Christmas – timely tips for separated mums and dads
While Christmas is for many, a joyous occasion, the holiday season can be a reminder of challenges for families where parents are separated or divorced. It can bring forth emotions of sadness, disappointment and disagreement and unfortunately, children can get caught in the crossfire.
One of the most important things is to realise that Christmas is a time for your children.
Frequently, disputes arise due to differing expectations among parents regarding parenting arrangements during the holidays. Anticipating that children will spend Christmas with them, each parent may hold steadfast to their expectations, leading to potential conflicts.
It is important to understand that arrangements that are made for children to spend time with their parents over the Christmas period must be for your children’s benefit, not for your benefit.
What might help
Parents need to communicate with each other and plan for these times before they arrive. By planning ahead of time, Christmas will be far less stressful for everyone involved.
Your children’s happiness must be your priority when making any plans.
Children often experience a great deal of tension at Christmas. For example, children may:
- feel responsible for making both parents happy
- wish that their family will be together on Christmas Day
- feel that it is their fault that their parents broke up even though this is not true
- try to come to terms with their parents not being together
- struggle managing the dynamics of the home particularly if there are “blended” families
- try to keep others happy and not know how to express their feelings about all that is going on
- seem on the surface to be okay when, in reality, they are experiencing a storm of unexpressed emotion.
- not know how to make meaning of the situations they are in (Young children especially are unable to think things through in a rational way. They can only react to situations).
Understanding your children
Regardless of what has happened between you, it is important not to criticise the other parent when talking to your children. You need to accept that your children love their other parent and the relationship that they have with that parent must be protected. By criticising their other parent, you create tension for your children, because they may want to please you and agree with you. However, at the same time they still love their other parent.
How to avoid conflict at Christmas:
- Try to reach an agreement with your co-parent on what will be happening over the Christmas period.
- Avoid situations where your children are drawn into the centre of any parental conflict.
- Put your children’s interests above your own.
Despite all your efforts it is possible that difficulties may still arise. You must take responsibility for what you do as a parent, however you cannot be responsible for how the other parent behaves.
Help is available
You can do everything in your power to resolve issues with the other party, but they may still not cooperate. If you find yourself in this situation, always remember that help is available.
A counsellor can offer helpful advice on how to cope with difficult relationships and situations. They can also help by suggesting ways to communicate and reach agreement with your former partner in matters relating to your children.
A lawyer can also explain what the law says regarding various situations with relationships and children and give you advice about the options available to you.
Remember, legal issues take time to resolve. If there are legal issues relating to your circumstances, give yourself plenty of time to discuss them with your lawyer and allow a number of weeks for the outcome to be finalised.
Communication is the key. Start communicating well ahead of time and keep your children’s happiness as your priority and you will have made a good start to a happier Christmas.
If you would like to discuss your personal circumstances with one of our experienced family lawyers, please contact our office today. Call us on (07) 3221 4300 to organise a no-obligation initial appointment at a fixed-fee. We will be happy to assist you in person or remotely.
