How to tell your kids you’re getting a divorce
Telling your children you’re splitting up is going to be one of the hardest conversations a family can have.
The younger the children are, the more confusing it can be. But there are experts out there with the right advice.
Firstly, children do need to be told their parents are separating – they do not need to know the reasons why.
Children will need to be reassured they are loved by both parents and the focus should be on any arrangements that have been made for the future.
According to Family Relationships Online, a free online service from the Federal Government, it’s important to keep your children separate from any conflict between you and your spouse.
When parents involve children in the negative details of a divorce, it undermines their relationships with both parents.
Tips for talking to children about separation
- Make it easy for your kids to love both parents.
- Tell them they are loved.
- Tell the truth as much as possible.
- Keep it simple.
- Be civil – don’t criticise or belittle the other parent in front of the kids.
- Reassure your children that the separation has nothing to do with them.
- Stay future focused.
Things to avoid
Make sure you are not abusing the trust and loyalty your children have for you. Sometimes, parents can take advantage of their children – either consciously or unconsciously.
You should avoid having your child:
- Be the messenger – using your children as messengers between the two of you teaches children that adults cannot talk honestly or directly with each other.
- Spy – asking a child to report on the other parent is destructive and it is using a child for your own ends.
As a parent, you should avoid:
- Insulting the other parent – name calling and anger between parents has a destructive effect on children. Don’t denigrate your former spouse within your child’s hearing.
- Only being the “fun” parent – when visits are used just to give the child a good time, or outings and gifts take the place of normal parenting. Yes, the time you have with your child may have changed, but you still have to parent them.
- Statements like “I still love Dad, but he doesn’t love me” or “I want to keep the house for you kids but she wants to sell it” – this puts pressure on your children to take sides.
- Ultimatums such as “You can go if you like … but we are going on a picnic” – Don’t set up competing activities, it spoils children’s pleasure in being with either parent.
It’s likely going to be very hard for you and your ex to be on the same team right now, but, if possible, agree ahead of time what to say to the children, and be prepared for a range of different reactions.
If there has been a lot of arguing in the home, some kids may feel relieved to hear about a divorce. But it is more common for kids to feel upset or even guilty.
However your children react, it is important to listen to them and take their concerns seriously, while making it clear the divorce is not their fault, and that as parents you will do your best to help them feel secure and loved.
For worries that are more immediate, like who will take the child to soccer practice or what a new bedroom might look like, getting clear answers can be very reassuring.
If you are still working the details out, tell your children that you are working on the answer to that, but you will let them know whenever you can.
For any advice regarding separation, divorce, custody arrangements or any other aspect of family law, get in touch with Michael Lynch Family Lawyers today.
To make an appointment, phone our office on: (07) 3221 4300 or email: [email protected]
