Think before you text your ex
The weeks and months following a relationship breakdown are no doubt painful and it’s tempting to send hurtful messages via text or email.
But if the custody of your children is at stake, think before you hit “send”. Anything you send to your former partner can be used in court and if it’s less than complimentary, you could be in serious trouble.
Here’s an example of an exchange of text messages between parents who had parted ways:
· Mum: I had lunch at my Nanna(‘s) house. Been trying to get away but had to feed B. Hope to c us on the weekend.
· Dad: I will say one thing, that my child is not a toy pet for everyone to hold and pass around so please she is so fragile I won’t have all our family and friends breathing all over her she is all I have that’s my blood.
· Mum: Just had her four month immunisation. She was upset by [sic] (but all) ok now. Dr said she is very healthy and going well.
· Dad: I told u I wanted to no (know) all appointments I wanted to be there for my daughter u never even said anything last night ur a dead set brainwashing deceiving destroying …. Stop ur games PS I’m getting the child to my doctor
· Dad: U should take B of (off) the floor as ur place is dirty and u have that dog inside no wonder my girl gets sick u got to start to think of her health and safety my god u worry me.
While judges do appreciate that parents can say hurtful things to each other in the heat of the moment, a continued pattern of offensive or degrading communication with each other will have an impact on how much time the court will allow you to spend your child.
In this case, the mother was able to produce pages of many similar messages the father had sent her over an extended period of time.
The judge indicated the father needed to learn to treat the mother respectfully, both in person and in their electronic communications.
“The evidence gives no confidence that, if a regime of parenting that required communication and negotiation between the parents were instituted, the father would be able to restrain himself from continuing to communicate with the mother in the same manner that he has in the past,” the judge said.
Tips for respectful communication:
1. Remember everything you put in writing may later be used in court. If a judge is deciding how often your children will see you, are you ok with them reading the messages you sent to your ex? If the answer is no, don’t send them.
2. Don’t send messages in the heat of the moment. Prepare a reply and let it sit in your draft folder overnight. Re-read it in the morning before sending.
3. Avoid using language like “my child” in communications. Judges are often critical of this as it appears to lessen the other parent’s role. Instead, refer to “our child”.
4. Family and friends are not always helpful. While your new partner or best friend is no doubt a huge support, don’t let them write correspondences for you. They are unlikely to have an unbiased view of your situation.
5. Orders for equal shared parent responsibility are rarely made where there is poor communication between parents. A week about shared care arrangement will only be workable where there is a high degree of co-operation, good communication between parents and similar styles of parenting.
If you’re struggling to communicate with your former partner, or if you have questions about child custody arrangements, or any other family law matter, please get in touch with our office. The experts here at Michael Lynch Family Lawyers can help you through this trying time. Phone: (07) 3221 4300 or email: [email protected] to make an appointment.
